Monday, 02 November 2009

• Dear American Movie-Watching Public,

  Dear American Movie-Watching Public,
  
  Piss off.  Also, go crawl in a ditch and die.
  
  Your buddy,
  
  Democrab
  
  P.S. - You smell of goats.
  
  FFFFFFFFFFUCK I HATE PEOPLE IN MOVIE THEATERS.  Snotty, narcissistic bastards!  For the love of Cthulhu, please silence your cell phones before entering the theater!  Hell, just turn the damn thing off!  I mean, it's not that hard!  They even give you a giant reminder right before the previews start.  If I made those reminders, it would be a big flaming sign that screamed "DON'T BE A DUMBASS.  SILENCE, OR WE'LL MURDER YOUR PETS!"  I mean, people love pets, so maybe with that kind of threat, they'd wise up and turn off those obnoxious little glowing rectangles during the movie.
  
  Speaking of obnoxious little glowing rectangles, the kid sitting next to me kept texting during "Paranormal Activity" last night.  I'm kind of sad that I can't punish other people's children for them.  I guarantee this town would shape up a little if I were allowed to roam the streets with a scowl and a baseball bat.  Seriously.  No delinquent would dare whip out a cell phone during a movie with the ever-present threat of the bat-man hovering over him.  That goes for the douchebags who were sitting in front of me, too.  They kept shouting every time the littlest thing would happen during the movie.  Classic douchebag lines include "Yeah boiii, get some!", "Straight outta Compton!", and "If she were black, she'd a..."  I had to fight the urge to sneak up and grab the kid in front of me.  Oh man, imagining the look on his dumb bro face was good enough, but actually making him wet himself would've been even better!  However, my girlfriend, being the mature young lady that she is, told me she didn't want us to get in a fight.  This made me sad.
  
  She instantly made up for it by saying, "It wouldn't be fair to them."  That made me smile.  ^__^
  
  However, perhaps the worst thing that happened was the violation of Democrab's Law of Conservation of Nacho Cheese.  I developed this law years ago, and hope to win an Ignoble Prize for it someday.  The law states that humans will always initially misjudge the amount of cheese needed for each individual chip in a basket of nachos, and that convergence will be reached in a method similar to a PID controller.  For instance, you grab a chip and load it up with cheese.  After a few similar chips, you realize that your cheese won't last for the rest of the chips, and you cut back drastically.  Later, you realize you could probably have a little more.  The cycle repeats until you converge on the right amount of cheese for each nacho, ideally leaving you with no chips and no cheese at the very last nacho.  In the real world, chip and cheese, er... entropy, account for minor discrepancies.
  
  But anyway, back to the violation of my wonderful scientific discovery.  The family next to me, with the amazing Texting Brat and Douche-Dad, with the power to talk on his goddamn phone right in the middle of the movie, all had nachos.  When Heather and I left, we noticed they had all left them behind.  It was bad enough that they didn't have the courtesy to throw them away, but it was a crying shame that they failed to utilize Democrab's Law and wasted perfectly good nachos.
  
  Fuck.
  
  Perfectly good nachos, just sitting there, taunting me.  You can't just run off with someone else's nachos.  Not on a date, anyway.  I mean, I probably would've thought about it if I were by myself, but if I'm with someone, c'mon, I have to have a little class.  Then again, if it's good enough for Ness of Earthbound fame...
  
  
  
  

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